The Weight of Thanksgiving

The week before Thanksgiving is often a frantic time on a college campus. Professors are trying to get in one more assignment or exam before you leave campus; you are making travel plans and packing; you are struggling with the idea of your first separation from the friends you have made on campus; and you are probably both nervous and excited about spending some time at home. This will be the first extended time you have had at home since the term began two and half months ago. A LOT has happened to you in those couple of months – especially if you are a first-year student.

The new you

You’ve embraced a whole new level of independence and personal responsibility. You’ve lived on your own and fended for yourself. You’ve been in charge of your own eating and sleeping schedule. You’ve tackled academic and social challenges unlike any you have been asked to face before. You’ve made fast friends with dorm mates and classmates who feel more like soul mates.

Throughout all of this change and growth, your old home has been waiting for you. It can be hard to picture the new you fitting into your old life though. Once you have grown used to your new lifestyle of freedom and making your decisions, home can feel restricting. It’s only normal to feel both excited and nervous about Thanksgiving break.

Expectations

Expectations - positive and negative - can get us in trouble and create extra stress. You might be expecting everyone to treat you like an adult when you get home, but they might be looking forward to pampering you and taking care of you again. You might be expecting old high school friends to be the same people they were last summer, but they have been away at school too and have likely gone through some changes of their own. You might be expecting everything to be the same as it always was at home, but your family has developed new routines in your absence.

Rather than going into this break with a lot of expectations about what it will be like, how you will act, how others will treat you, what will be fun, and what will be difficult take a wait and see approach. Try living in the moment without judgement rather than anticipating what is going to happen or what should happen. You will spend more of your break enjoying yourself and your loved ones and less being disappointed when everything isn’t the way you think it should be.

Let your mom take care of you and nurture you if she needs to. Let your younger siblings show you their new stuff. Instead of assigning labels of good, bad, respectful, insulting, considerate, closed-minded, insert your adjective here to the actions of those around you, try to live in a state of acceptance rather than one of expectation. Instead of judging others who aren’t acting the way you want them to or judging yourself for turning back into a whiny adolescent, notice your own reactions without immediately acting on them. Allow your week off to unfold as it will without trying to force it. Flow with it instead of fighting it. Leave your “shoulds” behind.

Nothing to prove

No, it won’t be perfect, life rarely is. Yes, there will be awkward moments as you try to find your way back into the rhythm of your family. Yes, being home will be an adjustment. It’s OK.

Accept the challenge of finding new ways of being with family without forcing those relationships to be one way or another. Notice the different ways you all relate to each other after an absence – different, but not necessarily better or worse. Explore the new depths of relationship and connection available when you can relate to your parents not only as their son or daughter, but as an adult as well.

Remember, these are the people who love you more than anyone else in the world loves you. They know you deeply. They want what is best for you. You don’t have anything to prove to these people. You don’t have to prove how capable you are. You don’t have to prove that you have become more mature. You don’t have to prove that you don’t need them anymore. This is home. You have nothing to prove here.

Let yourself fit back into the puzzle of your home – a slightly different shape than before but no less a part of the whole.