Expectations and Disappointment

We have all experienced the unpleasant emotion of disappointment. We didn’t get into the school we wanted to attend; the person we had a crush on didn’t reciprocate; it rained on our big day. We are sad, we are frustrated, we feel let down…in short, we are disappointed.

Our disappointments don’t often come from a failing of a product or service, the behavior other people, our own shortcomings or anything else which happens to us. They come directly from our expectations. When the expectations we have for ourselves, for others, for products, for experiences and for the way things “should” be are not met, we are disappointed.

When you order a hamburger at your local fast-food drive thru and a bored teenager presents you with a hot, salty, greasy slab of questionably sourced meat topped with a wilted piece of lettuce sliding off of a rubbery bun, you’re probably satisfied with the experience. Your expectations are met. This is what you have always received from fast-food drive thru service before and it was what you expected today. There is nothing to be disappointed about here.

However, if you order a hamburger at a trendy new restaurant known for using fresh locally sourced ingredients to serve creative healthy alternatives to comfort food and you are presented with the same burger you got at the fast-food drive thru window, you are almost sure to be disappointed. You were expecting a work of art put together by a skilled chef which you could feel good about putting in your body and those expectations were not met.

The very same hamburger can create two startlingly different responses from the same person based on their expectations and if those expectations were met or not.

Expectations of yourself

We have expectations about a lot of things in our lives, but some of the most important expectations are those we have of ourselves. I am a big advocate of setting high expectations for yourself. I set high expectations for myself all the time. This drives me to be my best, to work hard, to set ambitious goals and to accomplish great things. High expectations are a fantastic motivator and can keep us moving in the right direction even when things get hard.

The expectations we have of ourselves are so important because our own actions and reactions are the only things that we ever truly have control over. We can’t control other people, situations around us or the weather, but we can change our expectations of them and how we react to them. And we can make personal choices which will uphold our high standards for ourselves. Embracing personal choice and responsibility helps us maintain a sense of control and empowerment when we are disappointed.

The trap of perfection

High expectations do not mean that we can or will achieve perfection. Let me repeat that - you can set high expectations for yourself and not expect perfection. The expectation of perfection is a guaranteed strategy for creating disappointment. We are all human and none of us are perfect. We make mistakes; we fall short of our goals; we say and do things which we regret. When we strive to reach perfection and refuse to be satisfied with anything less, we are setting ourselves up for failure, for frustration, for struggles with self-esteem, for burnout and, yes, for disappointment. Perfection is not an option. The sooner we can come to terms with that reality and set realistic expectations, the sooner we can move forward with less disappointment and more energy.

The balancing act of setting expectations which are high enough to motivate us to push past our resistance to hard work without creating an expectation of perfection is one which many high-achieving students (like you!) struggle with. What can you realistically expect of yourself? Can you find value in the process instead of the result? What does doing your best look like? How much responsibility are you willing to take for your own happiness? How much responsibility are you willing to take for your disappointments? How much kindness and grace can you extend to yourself when you fall short of perfection?

Bend but don’t break

In addition to starting with a realistic initial set of expectations, it is important to be flexible in your expectations. Perhaps you were a straight A student in high school and came to college with the expectation that you would be able to maintain that 4.0 GPA, but the courses you are taking now are significantly harder than anything you have ever tackled in the past. Maybe you got a work study job on the night shift in the library and thought you would have time to study while you were there, but you have been asked to re-shelve books instead. Maybe you expected that you and your freshman year roommate would stay up late into the night talking and laughing and become lifelong friends, but you just didn’t click when you met. Any of these situations could lead to disappointment. Your reasonable initial expectations were not met. You went into these experiences with a specific outcome in mind and were mentally prepared for a certain set of circumstances to transpire. Stress and disappointment are a natural reaction to the failure of a set of circumstances concluding in the way you imagined they would.

Creating flexibility within your expectations without compromising your high standards is key.

If you are able to reassess a situation which is not working out the way you though it would and change your expectations of that situation or your actions and reactions surrounding that event, you will set yourself up for far less disappointment. Nothing particularly disastrous happened in any of the scenarios above. These are situations which do not have to lead to disappointment and distress. You may need to change your expectation for your GPA or change your expectations about how hard you will need to work to maintain that GPA. You may need to change your study schedule to accommodate actually working during your work study job or you may need to look for a different work study job. You could change your strategy for finding your life-long bestie to include the other students in your dorm building or in clubs or classes you are involved in or you could request a new living space where you might find the roommate you envisioned.

The failure of an experience to meet your expectations doesn’t need to be a one-way road to disappointment. If you can be flexible with your expectations while maintaining high standards regarding the ultimate outcome and you are willing to take responsibility for your own actions and reactions to create more satisfaction and less disappointment, you stand a good chance of looking back at your college years with a sense of pride and fulfillment.