Communication

Have you ever noticed how many plots of books, movies, TV shows are based on simple miscommunications and misunderstandings? Think about any relationship-based story – a sit-com, a romantic comedy, a drama – I bet the root of the conflict was based on someone not saying what they meant, someone overhearing only part of a conversation, or someone misinterpreting what another character said. There’s a good reason so many of our stories are based on miscommunication. Humans are, to put it gently, imperfect communicators. Art accurately reflects life in this instance.

How many of the disagreements and conflicts you have had with others were caused by one or both of you not saying what you meant or not taking what was said to you in the way it was intended?

The Communication Process

Why is it so difficult for us to understand each other? It is not a lack of desire to understand or to be understood – we all want to connect with others and have meaningful relationships. The communication process is simply more complicated than you might first think it is and it often prevents us from being as clear as we might hope to be.

First, someone must have a thought or opinion that they want to communicate. They have to sort through their own feelings about the issue, organize their thoughts into a logical order and decide how they want to position themselves. While they are doing this, they try to make sure they aren’t going to offend anyone or be too aggressive; they try to be tactful and kind; they try not to look foolish or seem too vulnerable or needy; they try to frame their statement in a way which is socially acceptable and which is likely to be received positively.

Once someone has decided what they intend to say and what they mean by it, they need to translate their message into words and present it in a logical manner which makes sense to the other person. They need to choose a tone of voice and use body language which reflects their mood and meaning. All of these manipulations of the message happen before anyone even opens their mouth to start speaking! Finally, after all that internal work, they are ready to communicate with someone else – they need to open their mouth and get all those well-planned thoughts out in the open.

Now that someone has spoken, someone else must hear that message. Are they paying attention or are they scrolling on their phone? Are they distracted by something else which is going on in the room, by what happened earlier in the day, by what they are planning to do later? Is it so noisy that they miss a few words along the way and have to fill in the blanks? Are they listening to the whole message or are they having a defensive emotional reaction to the first point made and missing the rest of what is being said?

Finally, the listener needs to interpret what was said. They need to filter the words they heard, the tone that was used, and the body language that was presented through their own life experiences. They might take offense to a completely innocent remark because they are insecure about certain aspects of themselves. They might over-react and project unintended meaning onto what was said based on their past experiences. They might let their own insecurities, motives, and emotions color the message so that the intended meaning is lost. They might get so tangled in their own narrative that they forget about the other person’s point of view and the point they are trying to communicate entirely.

And we wonder why we don’t understand each other….

Miscommunication – an example

What she thought: “Wow, he looks really great today. I wonder if he was wearing that nice shirt for a presentation in class. I hope it went well for him. What if he is dressed up for our date today? We aren’t going out for another couple of hours, but maybe I should wear something nicer too. Maybe he has a fancy restaurant planned and I am under-dressed. Wow, he is such a great guy! I’m so excited to go out with him tonight.”

What she meant to say: “You look really great today. Should I get dressed up too? Are we doing something special tonight?”

What she said: “Is that what you are wearing to dinner tonight?”

What he heard: “Is that what you are wearing to dinner tonight?”

What he thought she meant: “Why are you wearing that? Your new outfit makes you look like a loser. I don’t know why you even try to dress up. Who are you trying to impress? Your fashion sense is ridiculous and I am embarrassed to be seen with you dressed like that.”

Being misunderstood

Communication gets tangled in our thought process, our ability to translate our thoughts into words and our tendency to attach meaning where none was intended. Our good intentions to be polite and correct, to protect ourselves and make ourselves look good, and to impress others can blur what we want to say until the real message is lost in translation.

We censor ourselves to protect ourselves and others - and we are misunderstood. We worry about how others might react if we tell them the unadulterated truth and so we mask some of our feelings and give them a sliver of honesty in the hope that they will extrapolate the rest correctly - and we are misunderstood. We leave out details and explanation – and we are misunderstood.

Unfortunately, we are terrible at guessing what other people mean. Instead of actively listening and being open to what the other person is trying to say, we are often busy planning our response or thinking about what their words mean in the context of our lives. The message gets so caught up in our own thoughts, reactions, projections, defenses and insecurities that the last thing we are usually thinking about it what the other person said let alone what they actually meant.

We don’t ask questions because we might look foolish – and we misunderstand. We see the world through the lens of our own experience and don’t open ourselves up to other points of view – and we misunderstand. We shut down emotionally or we over-react – and we misunderstand.

Vulnerability

Communicating clearly and honestly takes courage. Judging how much of yourself to reveal to another person and if that other person can be trusted with your deepest thoughts is a skill learned only through experience. Not everyone is deserving of your secrets. We all want to feel like we have a real connection with other people – that our friends know and accept who we truly are; that we don’t have to hide parts of ourselves and mask our real feelings to be liked; that we are loved with no strings attached or conditions applied. In order to feel that connection, we need to be able to speak our truth, to say what we mean and mean what we say, and to make ourselves vulnerable. Being authentic takes courage – it’s risky to let people know who you are really are. Practicing that courage in being open and honest with others and being receptive to others when they are communicating with you will allow you to access a deeper level of connection with others and give your relationships meaning.