Bracing for Re-entry

The school year is winding to a close. The weather is getting warmer and the days are growing longer. Formals and end of year recognition ceremonies are filling up your schedule. Finals week is quickly approaching or maybe even over already if you are really lucky!

This is a time to celebrate all that you have accomplished over the past 9 months. In the rush of the other end-of-year activities, be sure to take time to reflect on your journey and give yourself a pat on the back. You have learned so much this year! Of course, you have learned academic concepts and have a greater level of expertise in your field of study, but you have probably also learned a lot about yourself as a person. You have worked through conflicts with friends, roommates, and teammates. You’ve seen what happens when you don’t get enough sleep or don’t eat healthy food regularly. You have learned how to cope with more stress and pressure than you have ever been exposed to before. You’ve been exposed to new people and new ideas which may have challenged the way you think about the world. You have worked to overcome adversity and to achieve your goals in creative new ways. You might even have a better idea of which career path you want to pursue or the type of person you want to be. College is a time of growth and self-exploration, a time of becoming the adult you are going to be. Be proud of all of the work you have done inside and outside of the classroom this year! It’s not easy to learn and grow so much in one short school year.

In many ways, you are a different person than you were last fall when you left home to go to school. You have become accustomed to making your own decisions. You know how to take care of yourself, when you need to sleep and what you need to eat. Doing things your way and on your schedule has become your new normal. This is probably a far cry from the level of independence and autonomy which you were granted when you lived at home in high school and that which your parents may expect you to conform to when you return home for the summer.

Seeing your family and friends at the end of a long, hard school year is something to look forward to. You may have visions of reclaiming the carefree days of high school – long summer evenings out with your friends, home cooked meals, mom’s laundry service, no classes, no exams, no annoying roommate.

You may also be nervous about fitting back into your pre-college world. You are a different version of yourself – a version which your family and old friends don’t know in the intimate way they knew the old version. You may be worried about losing the independence you gained while you were away at school, being treated like a child again, losing privileges you have become accustomed to, or being expected to show up for dinner every night at 6. The roles and responsibilities of life back in your childhood home may chafe a bit after the freedoms of college life.

Re-entry will take some adjustment for everyone involved. You have changed and grown. Your siblings and parents have developed new routines while you were away. Your old friends from high school have spent a year at college or in the work force and have become a different version of themselves as well. Coming back home and expecting everyone to be the same (except for you) and for them to all adapt and adjust seamlessly to your new independence and adulthood will lead to sure disappointment and conflict. Flexibility from everyone involved and openness to a new version of old relationships will help ease the pressures of reunion and ensure a happy summer for everyone.

Thinking through what you want from this time at home, what expectations you have of how you should be expected to interact with family members, how you want to be treated by others, what roles and responsibilities you are willing to fill and what commitments you are willing to make to others is a good place to start your re-entry plan. Once you are clear about your own expectations, it’s time to share them with others - namely your parents or guardians and any other people you will be living with. Talk openly and honestly with them about expectations they have of you and those you have of them. Present your expectations without making demands or issuing ultimatums. Listen and consider their concerns with the intention to understand and adapt. If you are like many young adults, this is not the way you have traditionally communicated with your parents. Remember – you are a new version of yourself.

Having this conversation sounds awkward and it probably will be. Interacting with your parents as an equal, as another adult, is likely something you have never done before. But remember, you are a new and improved version of the old you. The new you is so much more mature and capable of these types of interactions. You have been practicing having tough conversations and getting along with all types of people all year at school. You have learned so much about yourself and become so much more mature and independent over the past year. The you who left for college last fall may not have been capable of this type of conversation, but the you who is returning this spring just might be.

If you want to be treated like an adult, approach this conversation like an adult. Your parents will be impressed and more likely to work with you than if you approach this interaction as you would have a year or two ago. Conversations like this have the potential to open a new era of communication between you and your parents. An era where you are all adults and can treat each other as such. This potential will only be reached if you approach the conversation and your new relationship from an attitude of openness, compromise, and desire to connect. Good luck and have a great summer break!